Helping Your Child with LD Find Success: How to Stay Energized and Engaged

Two parent stories to share. First, a dad described a constant battle with his daughter, age 12, because her room was a complete disaster, she forgot to take what she needed to and from school (homework, shoes for practice, lunch etc) and lost many things. This was made even worse because he is an extremely neat and organized person and simply can’t understand her. After escalating frustration threatened to shut down communication he began to talk with her about these issues. It took many months but they came to a new starting place. She explained that her room, while appearing to be an explosion of stuff, was the one place where she could actually find things. She said in her mind it was fine and asked that he leave her room alone. “Think of my floor as a closet.” They agreed. Next, natural consequences were agreed upon. When she forgot homework, lunch, band instrument or sports clothes he would be no longer race home from work on a frantic search and then deliver the item(s) to school. Rough stuff. After several weeks of tears (hers) and frustration (theirs) they began to develop solutions such as notes for the doors to her room, the garage, the car and for her backpack. No music, no text messaging and the car stayed parked in the driveway until she agreed she had everything she needed. The focus was on absolute necessities which meant dad had to let a lot of his items go. Start with a short list and begin to impose natural consequences.

Second, a mom saw her 12 year old son entering middle school with the opportunity (and consequences) for forgotten and lost items heightened. She describes two years of very frustrating times, but recently has declared success. How did they do it? She says she made the case for the benefits of taking responsibility for his ‘stuff.’ She also made him begin to advocate for himself. If he needed something such as copies of class notes, he would have to make a plan to go the teacher and ask for them. When he brought them home, used them with her to prepare for a test, and achieved a great result he began to see the logical thread leading from his behavior to a feel good outcome. She had to identify every need, coach him on the required behavior and follow-up, which was extremely frustrating for a long time. But, she credits her son for recognizing how much better he feels having gained more control and alleviated the constant battles. He is experiencing tangible benefits from his changed behavior. Focus on the specific behavior, let him experience the natural consequences and benefits, and believe it will improve. You and your son can craft solutions that work for him and when they do, celebrate each success. Doing so at his age will begin to prepare him for middle school, high school and beyond where these life skills are essential. When we are in the midst of these frustrating challenges it is very difficult to see any light at the end of the tunnel. Fortunately, experience shows, kids (like all of us) can learn how to accommodate for their weaknesses.

Danielle:
A planner is the single most important organizational tool I ever had. The parent’s organization provided planners to every student beginning in middle school. I committed to using it and it was key to my success. Sometimes being disorganized can feed on itself and make you feel defeated before you start. The process of writing the information, checking it throughout the day and at night before I went to bed gave me control and confidence. Give it a try!

If your daughter has been evaluated in the last couple of years, a new evaluation may not be necessary. It would be very beneficial to ask for a comprehensive transition plan from the school district. This meeting, which hopefully your daughter will attend, should also include the high school college counselor. This meeting will articulate a specific plan of exactly what your daughter will need in terms of accommodations. It should also provide insights into her strengths which are very important as she transitions into college.

Accommodations in college are not managed in the same way as grades 1-12. You should seek a college which will provide a culture of understanding and commitment to the environment your daughter will need to be successful. If she needs technology, dependent on what it is exactly, you may find solutions in computer software or online college support. Specific needs should be addressed to the college when you visit. Plan to meet personally with the disability support services. You and your daughter will get a good sense of what is available and the receptivity to make accommodations. Finding the right college environment is very much about each individual. Being able to identify what your daughter needs through her transition plan and your experiences with the school district (what worked and didn’t work) should provide you with a vision of where she will thrive academically.

For us,college was a fresh start and we tried to leave the baggage of twelve years behind. There were new educational challenges (and some same old ones) in college. But there was also so much personal freedom in terms of being in a new place, with new people that it gave both of us renewed energy that carried us through even the most frustrating times. We wish that for you.

We hear this a lot! It is difficult to like something that is so hard to do. When learning is difficult, frustrating and a source of constant anxiety it is understandable why a child wants to avoid it. You are focusing on the right skills because being organized as he enters middle and high school is essential. Moving between several classes a day and having more teachers is very difficult. Middle school years were the worst for us. The combination of transition from elementary and the developmental age is very tough before you add the LD challenges. Some suggestions we have: Ask for a meeting with his fifth grade team and the middle school team. This will open communication about what he needs and it will give you visibility demonstrating the active role you intend to take. Get a planner and begin using it now. The planner will include his daily homework, test and future assignments. There should be organizational goals in his IEP which will require his homework to be checked each day before he comes home. In addition, assignments and tests need to be on his calendar to avoid too many things being due at the same time. Once the calendar is done for the current school session you can ask for a meeting with the team to even out the schedule. Involve your son in the organizational plan. What success can he think of that is an example of being organized? What made it work? Was it because it was something he wanted to do? Was it accomplished because he wanted to earn a special privilege? Finding solutions within his personal operating style is the best way to leverage his skills. Celebrate every victory! Break the organizational skills into small parts and recognize him when he is successful. Give it time. As frustrating as this can be for us as parents it simply pales in comparison to the turmoil inside our children. Give him and your family time to learn and master organizational skills. It will take years, but it happens.

Danielle:
I have to admit that I have forgotten (thankfully) or wasn’t aware (thankfully again) of a lot of the frustrations and anguish of middle school. But, what I haven’t forgotten is my mom telling me that we would get through the worst teachers and the toughest times. I liked that sometimes she was even madder than I was. I liked that she allowed me to be frustrated, angry and tired of the struggle. Being different is the last thing we want, particularly in middle school and high school. It is tough to hang on to your self. But, ultimately that is the most important thing. Feeling good about who you are as a person will allow you to beat any challenge…..and our challenges are huge. Finding something your son loves to do can allow him to build success and is clear proof to him and to you that he can be organized and build a plan for higher and higher achievement. If you son loves a sport, activity (musical instrument, art, bike riding, snow boarding) or animals leverage this. Having something you love to do is a haven from school and a source of great satisfaction. I love horses………maybe your son will love drums…………whatever he loves nurture it.

You are so right, it is very, very tough and in many ways is a very personal, private struggle. Right off the top of my head: Find time for yourself. Put time in your calendar, just like you do for any other appointment, to do something you enjoy. Take a yoga or Pilates class. Walk with friends. Join a book club. Go to a movie. I hear all of the reasons that won’t work. Let me say from experience that all of the problems and challenges you are dealing with will still be there after you take an hour a day for yourself. End the madness: Set a time, I know it can’t be in stone, where the day (night) ends regarding all things LD.  It can consume your life and there is no time for you, your child and your family to re-energize for tomorrow. Believe No One: That is our way of saying BELIEVE in your experiences and in the power of your love for your child. You can do this. Block out the negatives. We have heard it all……never happen, can’t happen, won’t happen. This is your child, your life and you can do this!

Danielle:
Every now and then we used to get in the car on a Saturday morning and drive away. No plan and no stress. We would drive until we found a little town we liked. We’d wander around antique and flea markets. Then we’d find a bed and breakfast with no TV and no phone. It was an adventure and one my sister and I sometimes complained about. What about our friends? We would surely miss something important. But that all ended when we left our zip code. Do something fun. Go to a ball game. Love the team. Fight over where to eat or what movie to see. Leave school and work behind. Laugh, cry and fall asleep in the car on the way home.

There is so much involved with these conferences. They are constructed to meet the school's responsibilities under the law. We are representing our child. It is destined to be an enormous struggle especially for parents. We have to come up a steep learning curve about the IEP process. The IEP is complex and all important. Personally I believe there are situations where a parent alone simply can't effectively address this complex process especially when there are concerns that the child is not getting their educational needs met.

I would suggest following an unsatisfactory meeting that you write a detailed list of what you think needs to be addressed. Then ask for another meeting and distribute the list. If IEP modifications are needed ask for recommendations from the conference participants. If the conference participants do not support modifications, explain what is not working. Ask for a reasonable timeframe for improvement and a follow-up meeting to validate (or not). Do what you can to build a bridge because you are all in this together.

Many districts now have advocacy resources to support the child and parents in the IEP meetings and case conferences. Take advantage of this resource. If it is not available where you live, consider hiring a learning consultant to support you and the process. I do understand the various sides of this highly charged situation. I feel empathy for the difficult role of teachers and administrators. But ultimately we are fighting for our child's education and emotional well being. Allow yourself to be frustrated and angry. Make a revised plan. Get additional resources. Then get back in the ring.

Your son has the number one most important thing he needs to succeed....the desire. There are many resources available to support his goal. NCLD has a terrific section devoted to Living with LD which details adult resources. There are links to sites which provide technology for learning. Alternative solutions can be developed to allow him to learn the technical skills through his learning strengths. There are organizations that offer structured programs to support young adults who want to pursue job skills.

Learning disabilities don't go away. Sometimes as adults they do prevent people from achieving certain goals. For example, reading ability or standardized testing challenges may be barriers to certain career choices. Fortunately, there are resources available to support your son to pursue a technical career.

There are companies and people who embrace differences. Your son's desire to achieve his goals will make him a great addition wherever he goes.

My thought….Trust your gut! I do not have personal experience with neuropsych testing, but if you find the testing is detrimental to your daughter's goals and inconsistent then you should use your best judgment.

Colleges offer various learning environments. Research them, visit and then choose the best fit for your daughter. There are many colleges available with true commitment to students with disabilities. Once there, it is up to her whether to self identify and to advocate for herself. You and your daughter should decide what resources she may need.

If you have a trusted professional who has been working with your daughter you may want to include them in the college selection and transition process.

Even though the teacher is inexperienced, she is well-meaning and will most likely welcome the opportunity to collaborate with you. Ask for a meeting to go over the IEP. Ask what resources she has to assist in the classroom. Let her know that you want to be involved and informed. Be available for field trips and be a room parent. Building a relationship with your child’s teacher is a win-win!

Talk with your son, share your concerns and determine if his performance is being negatively impacted. If it is then ask for a meeting with all IEP participants. Sooner is better than later. Give the resource representative a heads-up that you want a meeting to review classroom accommodations. Hopefully in that group setting the chemistry teacher will hear and understand the importance of these accommodations for your son.

A few suggestions: First, ask for advance copies of relevant information that the IEP chairperson has gathered for the IEP meeting. Explain that you feel this will allow you to be more informed prior to the meeting. Second, ask that teachers keep you advised through weekly progress reports. This will cut down on some surprises during the meeting. Third, make a list of what you want to accomplish in the meeting. As the meeting approaches the half way point let the members know that you are going to need adequate time to share your thoughts and hear their feedback. If that doesn't happen let them know that the IEP meeting will need to be reconvened.

At that meeting you would like to be first on the agenda. My experience has been that there is so much to cover in these meetings and it is so difficult to get everyone there that once the meeting begins there is simply not enough time. Often an issue arises, as you point out, and focus is lost. Don't hesitate to ask for another IEP meeting and be clear that you are not signing off on the plan until you are comfortable with it.

No doubt most parents share your frustration and fatigue. Yes, there are successes and there are times when it is easier. But, the reality for most parents and our kids is that it is a constant battle. Another reality is that your willingness to do battle and to find the strength to meet each day with hope is what will bring the very best outcome for your children.

The spirit of a child is about hope. They believe in us. By taking good care of yourself, taking one day at a time, letting the negatives go (as best you can), and staying the course your children will thrive. When I felt overwhelmed I let myself be upset and then be done with it. I wanted to let Danielle know that in spite of how rough it could be we would survive and still be us. Often times it isn’t fair and it isn’t right, but it is our reality. Letting stuff go is the only way I know to find the energy to battle on.

A very difficult and painful situation. Do not hesitate to make the school aware of your concerns. I would suggest you talk with the counselor about what is going on. The counselor in our elementary school used to do a great group called the Lunch Bunch. She included a diverse group and they would bring their lunches and eat in her office. She was able to create discussion and open minds through role playing. She also developed a buddy system where kids were put together in teams. Sometimes it was to welcome a new kid but often she was working to build understanding of individual differences.

I believe that self-esteem is something we must nurture and protect at all costs. Get to know her friends. Volunteer at school to see the interactions. Being a room parent is a very enlightening experience. Keep the communication channels open.

Perhaps you can meet with the special education team. Also, many districts offer advocates who can ascertain what additional resources may be available. (To find your local Parent Training and Advocacy Center, go to the National Parent Center Network.)  Resources are limited, but sometimes even within the school they may lack access or knowledge about what is available. Keep digging!

This is a question from several parents today. It is a huge concern for most parents: How do you best support your child to graduate and build an independent, satisfying life?  You'll note in previous answers that there are resources available through your school and sites like NCLD. Take full advantage of the transition planning in the senior year. The transition team, including the counselor, should be able to provide a comprehensive list. There are many organizations available that are devoted to providing the information you will need.

My tools: I was raised by parents who told all six children we could do anything...a great gift. Through adversity I became tough (resilient), strong and developed a balanced sense of what is truly important in life...family. I am stubborn which I expect makes me a survivor. And when it comes to my wonderful daughters, like most parents reading this, there is nothing I won't do to provide them with the opportunity to reach their dreams.

My biggest hurdles: Understanding and accepting the magnitude and impact of learning disabilities on Danielle and our family. Finding the resources to meet the ever changing educational needs. Dealing with frustration and disappointment (without carrying it forward) in administrators and educators who often failed Danielle and then fought that fact every step of the way. Believing we could beat LD. Nurturing Danielle's self esteem. Letting her go when she was ready.

Danielle:
My Mom makes me cry, right!  That is me: stubborn, tough, well loved and a survivor. My biggest hurdles; Believing when almost all voices and faces around me screamed failure. Dealing with judgment and unkindness from friends (especially girls). Finding a way to learn through repeated failure.

When Danielle was 13, I wanted to take her out of our very excellent public school and send her to a private LD school. She wanted to stay where she was (in spite of how terrible the experience was). I respected her decision.

I don't know your situation, but I know, as most parents do, that battling to get the resources your son needs in public school (even outstanding ones) is very difficult. Be prepared to fight the good fight. Know what he is entitled to and demand that he get it.

Before you make your decision I suggest you meet with the administration, the special education department, and as many parents as possible. If your district has learning resources such as advocates and learning consultants meet with them, too.

I imagine it may be a difficult transition for you as parents. That said, if you are fortunate enough to have great public schools, and it is what you and your son want, then you will make it work.

The question you pose is a great one because when kids are in school, so often we and they are made to feel as if each skill they can't master is a deal breaker.

There are learning "need to haves" and "nice to haves." If you can't tie your shoes you can easily find alternative solutions like Velcro or keep them tied and just slip them on. If you don't learn to read, that is an entirely different matter.

I know kids who couldn't learn to ride a bike and now compete in skateboarding contests. I was told Danielle couldn't sequence but she learned eight sequential steps to maneuver a horse around a riding ring including jumping three fences.

The testing of children and the prognosis of all of the things they can't and may never be able to do, often leave parents demoralized and lost. And many times the experts are wrong. They are but one voice.

Believe your child can learn and then observe, use trial and error and celebrate the victories. Find people who have been successful and follow their advice. Be willing to accept, in this competitive world, that not all milestones matter. Our doctor, our pilot, or our president may still be slipping their shoes on.

Danielle:
My challenges are really manifested in learning, in academics. Trying to learn like everyone else is where I fail. Ted, director of the DU LEP program, told me many times that once I was out of the constant stress of academics I would do even better.

I am loving the real world... I am not taking tests that don't measure what I actually know. In the real world individuals manage their day as individuals not to one standard. In the real world I accommodate to my weaknesses like most people. And in the real world I have highly developed life skills, because of all I have dealt with, that serve me every day. I find that in my day to day life, I have reminders of my learning disabilities, whether it be through a conversation with students, adults, co-workers, or whether it be from little things in my day. It took me through high school and college, to feel comfortable with my learning disabilities and accept that I am probably not being judged negatively.Most people, prior to this book, never knew about my LD. Now they are amazed in part because of the stereotypes of learning disabilities (the exact reason I kept it to myself). I am a confident person, but like all people we are human and have our moments. I may never love school, but I love learning and knowledge. I will thrive in the real world where experiential knowledge matters. I work with people who are generous with their knowledge and I am a sponge. Imagine if this rich environment existed in our schools.

The NCLD site and others have great information about academic LD transition to college.

Yes, yes, yes…we believe every student who wants to go to college can and should. For example, there are small colleges that specialize in LD almost exclusively. We visited a couple and they were incredible. If your daughter has the desire to attend college, you will find the right one for her.

Danielle: I think creating a transition plan, with your team at the high school would be beneficial. And finding out depending on which school you pick, what their services are. Once arriving to the university or college, meet with the service coordinator or counselor to help support you. While at the services, I would expect there to be writer tutors or the counselor him or herself who can help with each and every step. I would also consider getting a tutor that she strictly works on papers with. No matter how tough the odds and no matter how many people say she can't.....she can. We believe!

You just made us very happy that we wrote our story. We are living proof that many people are simply wrong about this.

I read text books out loud, I wrote papers while she dictated, I revised, revised, revised, I interviewed her to access her stream of thought for a project, I listed her thoughts for her to prioritize, and I interpreted (read, discussed and rewrote) assignments. I have done everything from designing matching alternatives to second grade spelling tests (Danielle can't memorize out of context) to revising college level psychology papers.

Yes, the learning program at DU is excellent and it still was a very tough road. I continued to fill the same role of a learning resource and support for Danielle. It was less, but it was still significant. I draw this distinction: I have never done Danielle’s work for her. I am leveling the playing field but she is learning.

As far as letting go….there are two rules in the book on this topic: Let Go (a little) and Let Go (a little more). I followed Danielle’s lead. I did not push her on someone else’s timeframe, and as she stepped forward on her own, when she was ready, she did so with confidence.

Danielle:
I was so happy to be at college. The difficulties and constant aggravation of grades 1-12 were left behind. I think the fresh start at a college I loved was a dream come true.

My transition was bumpy and had its challenges. But working through them, with the support of my mom and some friends, was really helpful. Learning to be independent is a really important skill.I think persevering through an LD, can prepare you for being independent, with certain skills. Like advocating, being assertive, and being patient (sometimes). I knew I needed a structured learning support program and DU has an excellent one. Still, I soon found how very tough it was to self-disclose (when necessary) to each professor, negotiate accommodations if needed, and do all that in a highly competitive university. I had some great experiences, many successes and some failures. I learned from them all. I also developed connections with professors and LEP staff that were there for me when I would feel overwhelmed and have doubts whether or not I could make it. But, I knew I would and I did.

Would she be willing to work with a third party like a tutor in the resource area at school or an outside learning person? Sometimes the help is accepted more from others.

Activities outside the educational setting that children enjoy whether it is sports, animals, music, art or anything they like to do, can make a huge difference. Danielle learned so much from horseback riding. Not only were there direct correlations to academics, she also developed enhanced abilities to follow directions and deal with distractions. When school is a daily struggle, you most likely won't ever love it....all the more reason to find other things to love and enjoy.

Early intervention is essential. It is important to not be in denial (not sweep under the rug). There are no assurances and it is still a difficult situation. The most important things are: stay involved, protect your child, advocate for your child and be a positive force. It is a struggle, but the alternative to not have early intervention is not in the best interest of a child.

I looked at several colleges and universities, however after speaking to those representing the university or visiting or reading up more, I then narrowed it down further. Going to community college may be helpful in the transition to college (4 year) or as a way to gain more knowledge about your needs or gain more skills. I would encourage everyone to think about your needs and see what is the best fit. If you can get your needs met at a community college or a four year college then go for it!

All children are served by IDEA. Many areas offer bilingual services at the special education and classroom levels. Contact the school and request the support. There is no doubt that speaking a different language  will make this challenge even more difficult to navigate but push through because the children need help.

An expert once referred to Danielle's brain function as "swiss cheese." In short, she had highs and lows. Your son has strengths and it is important to identify them. If he has strong subjects then celebrate those. The areas of weakness may come slowly, but with time they may improve. For example, if he likes math or history, perhaps he can join a club at school that is involved with these subjects. In addition, it is so important to be involved in outside activities because that is one place he can feel good. Also, there are groups that can offer support.

There is hope. We are absolute believers and want you to believe as well. Encourage your son to find his strengths and look forward to his future.

We understand your frustration and know, as you do, that his frustration must be even greater. We would suggest trying to find fun things to read to him, such as magazines on subjects he likes or comic books, and let him just follow along.

Just keep reading to him whenever you can. He has to deal with his incredible difficulties with reading all day at school. Sometimes being at home, being hugged and loved is the most important thing you can do.

Danielle:
Also, consider adding in incentives, so if he wants to play video games, then he needs to read something for 20 minutes. Start will small increments and as his self esteem and interest increases, then you can increase the time to earn the privilege. And read things that he is interested in, whether it be a small thing, like trucks or a big subject like sports. Also praise the small success, be over the top!